Tips and Advice for Gay Dads and Surrogacy

From the very moment you decide to become parents, there are so many decisions to make. Finding an agency, choosing a surrogate, the wonders of pregnancy, and the joy of starting a family.

Here are some tips and advice that can help make your journey as intended gay parents an easier road to travel.

Ready to become parents – ask lots of questions!

Once you’ve made the decision to use surrogacy to become parents, it’s time to start asking lots of questions and getting the answers you need so you can begin the surrogacy process. Don’t hesitate to include questions on your list that you think might be trivial. It’s better to ask those questions now than to wait until you’re well into your surrogacy journey.

Be prepared financially

The financial costs of using a surrogate to become parents are significant. Before starting the surrogacy process it’s important that you know what to expect when it comes to all the finances that are involved. Even the best plans encounter bumps along the way. Are you financially prepared to deal with those bumps and challenges?

Choose an agency

Don’t attempt to put all the pieces of surrogacy together yourself. An agency has the experience and resources you don’t have to ensure that all the right steps are taken, including a list and full profiles of high quality potential surrogates. They’ll be able to help you find a surrogate mother that matches what you’re looking for as they have many years expertise. As well, they’ll be able to provide you with important information about a potential surrogate mother, such as a complete medical history and information about previous pregnancies of her own and as a surrogate. Our agency will provide ongoing support and counseling as well. It really helps to have an experience team behind you at every step!

The genetic decision

One of the unique challenges for same sex couples is deciding who the father is going to be. You’ll need to make the decision of whose sperm will be used. One option is to have multiple eggs fertilized for transfer using the sperm from both partners. This allows one or both of you, in the case of twins, to be the biological father of your baby.

Know the laws and your rights

There are a lot of legal issues involved with surrogacy and the relationship you’ll have with a surrogate before and during pregnancy, as well as after the birth of your baby. These laws will vary from state to state and from country to country. The agency you work with will be there to answer all those questions for you. To avoid costly emotional and financial legal issues, work with an attorney who has knowledge of surrogacy laws. Having partner attorneys in every state with favorable surrogacy laws, Simple Surrogacy able to offer the best in legal representation and advice to our clients.

Don’t get discouraged, stay positive

The process of surrogacy can be stressful for everyone involved. The IVF cycle, pregnancy, and all the details of having a baby through surrogacy can be overwhelming.  It’s completely normal for your feelings to go from highs to lows from one day to the next. One day you’re excited and can’t wait to bring your baby home – the next day you’re worried that’s it’s never going to happen and you’re never going to be a father. All of these feelings are normal.

Throughout the surrogacy process, try to stay positive and ride out those low days when you’re feeling stressed. Keep an open mind and be patient so you can better deal with things if they don’t go according to plan. If there’s a delay in the process, or if a transfer fails and doesn’t result in pregnancy, with a positive and hopeful attitude you and your partner will be able to continue with your surrogacy plans.

Make use of support groups

Don’t feel that you’re alone in the surrogacy process. The surrogacy agency you choose will be there to guide and support you, providing answers to your questions and offering pertinent advice that you’ll find helpful.  Don’t let the support stop there. There are numerous support groups and organizations that support gay parents, both during the surrogacy process, through birth, and beyond. Gay parents face unique challenges. It’s important to know that you’re never alone in your decision to be parents.

Open communication in the surrogacy relationship

Encourage as much communication as possible with your surrogate. Many surrogate mothers will welcome this, wanting the intended fathers to be involved in the pregnancy. Let your surrogate know that you want to be as involved as possible, such as attending doctor’s appointments and finding out when baby’s first kicks are felt. The more involved you are in the prenatal care of your baby, the more connected and emotionally attached you’ll feel throughout the surrogacy process.

The emotions of delivery

Be prepared for a lot of emotions during the birth of your baby, not just for you and your partner, but for your surrogate mother as well. This is the moment you’ve all been dreaming of. All the preparations of your baby’s birth will have been well arranged before the big moment with your surrogate mom. Now it’s time to focus on the needs of your baby. Remember to include your surrogate in the joy as all of you share this time together.

Make plans for after birth

Taking your baby home is a wonderful experience – the moment you’ve been waiting for. Enjoy the love and joy of attaching and bonding with your new baby. But what happens to the surrogacy relationship now?

Long before the birth of your baby, you’ll have a detailed  plan in place about what’s going to happen after birth. You and your surrogate will need to decide about the amount of contact you’ll have and how much involvement the surrogate mom will have in your lives.

Journal your journey

Consider keeping a journal of your surrogacy process, not just for yourself, but for your child as well. Knowing who they are and where they come from is important for all children, and perhaps more so for children born through surrogacy. If, when, and how you talk to your child about surrogacy is up to you, however surrogacy experts believe that children should know as soon as they’re old enough to understand. A journal can be a great way to share information with your child – how much they were wanted, how much they are loved, and how many amazing people came together to create a life. How much or how little you document and personalize your journey is entirely up to you but consider it a valuable tool.

Last thoughts

Surrogacy is an amazing and wonderful way for you to become parents and start your family. The tips and advice provided here can help make surrogacy a positive and successful journey. The more you know about the process, the better prepared you’ll be to handle any hurdles you meet along the way as you begin your life as new parents.


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